Pie Raids Of The Carrot Bean
by Callous Monkey
Summary: A bizarre homage and parody to Pirates Of The Carribean
1. Dream Sequence Of Eccentric Elizabeth

Young Elizabeth Swann stood on the bow of a tall ship singing sweetly and with the spirit of ten men. "Hey ho ho! You'll cruise to foreign shores, and you'll keep your mind and body sound, by working out of doors. True friendship and adventure are what we can't live without. And when you're a professional pirate – that's what the job's about!"

Pausing for breath Elizabeth failed to notice the eyes of the men on board turning towards her now, suspiciously, or the waves below in the great sea becoming sharp and uneasy as she continued singing happily. "Now take Sir Francis Drake, the Spanish all despise him. But to the British he's a hero and they idolize him. It's how you look at buccaneers that makes them bad or good, and I see us as members of a noble brotherhood…"

Suddenly from behind her a hand clamped down hard on her shoulder, surprising her. Turning she found herself staring straight into the eyes of crewman Mister Gibbs… or was it Joseph Buquet the hanging man from Phantom of the Opera?

"Joseph Buquet, you idiot! You're supposed to be dead," She blurted out before she knew what was happening. "The opera ghost killed you because you were too stupid to follow your own advice about holding your guard around him."

"What in heaven's name are you talking about?" Mister Gibbs asked gruffly.

"Uh, nothing. Sorry. Just talking nonsense I guess," Elizabeth exclaimed looking down at her feet.

"You been singing about pirates?" Said Mister Gibbs.

"No I haven't," argued Elizabeth. "That would be horrible and in very bad taste. I was singing a song from a muppet movie."

"Muppet?" Mister Gibbs asked looking very much like he was saying the word for the first time in his life. Then after a moment the dumb, goofy grin on his face washed away and he looked almost angry. "Shut the hell up, little missy! Cursed pirates sail these waters. You don't want to bring them down on us, now, do ya?

"Of course," Elizabeth answered, uncertain if she was really saying the same thing as she was thinking.

"What?" Mister Gibbs screamed in rage, and quickly moved to slap her across the face for such impudence. Instead she slapped him and grabbed him in the nuts, giggling to herself like a little school girl.

This said Norrington stepped forward and looked at Elizabeth with a smirk for her gaul to attack such a vigilant character as Mister Gibbs, but said "Elizabeth do you really believe all that was necessary?"

Having recovered Mister Gibbs picked himself up, screamed in rage again, and made ready to attack Elizabeth again when a duelling glove struck him square in the eye. "Mister Gibbs, that will do!" Norrington exclaimed calmly.

"She was singing about pirates," Mister Gibbs murmured almost to himself. "… and muppets whatever the bloody hell they are. Bad luck to be singing about pirates with us mired in this unnatural fog. Mark my words."

"Consider them marked!" Norrington decried and punched Mister Gibbs square in the face, causing Mister Gibbs to fall over backwards in a somersault until he was on his feet again. Moving away from the unruly scene Mister Gibbs said something else but nobody was listening so I can't tell you what it was. Now Norrington looked at young Elizabeth waiting for her to give an explanation to the nonsensical scene that had just taken place. She looked at him with a guilty expression and croaked quietly "I think it'd be rather exciting to meet a pirate!"

"Think again, Miss Swann," Norrington insisted. "Filthy and horrible creatures the lot of them. Badly dressed and clueless to the proper usage of a toothbrush. I intend to see that any man who sails under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves…"

"A weekend at DisneyLand?" asked Elizabeth.

"No!" Said Norrington. " – a short drop and a sudden stop."

Elizabeth crinkled up her nose and looked at him in bewilderment, trying to figure out this strange riddle she had just been offered. After a moment it was clear she didn't understand so the now quite miserable Mister Gibbs came back, tied a rope around a nearby pillar, and proposed to kill hang himself. Only after several unsuccessful attempts at pulling the rope tighter around himself, he realized it was no rope but an eighteen foot cobra and ran away screaming for dear life.

Elizabeth's father stepped forward now "Lieutenant Norrington, I appreciate your fervor, but I'm, uh, I'm concerned about the effect this subject will have upon my daughter."

"My apologies, Governor Swann." Norrington said obligingly.

"Actually I find it all fascinating, it's just like being in a real life pirate movie. I'm having ever so much fun."

"Yes that's what concerns me," her father agreed.Suddenly Elizabeth got a very strange look on her face and started shouting excitedly "Titantic! Titanic! It's the boy from Titanic!"

Nobody had the slightest idea who or what she was talking about.

"Look daddy there in the water, it's a little person!"

The others turned now to see what Elizabeth had seen. There was indeed a man floating in the water on a piece of wreckage, and it was indeed Jack Dawson from the Titanic movie.

"I thought he was dead?" Governor Swann said.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Shooting repeatedly at the half-dead, half-alive corpse in the water who was now quite dead, Norrington turned to his friend with "Well, he is now!" and laughed heartily. A moment passed and them Elizabeth gave another great shout "Oh my gosh, he came back!"

"Who did?" Norrington asked and shot his weapon wildly into the air, once, twice, three times. As the others saw that once again Elizabeth had been right. There was a boy in the water, only this one wasn't Jack. Actually it was Jack. Captain Jack Sparrow sitting quite comfortably and dry on another piece of old wreckage. He smiled gallantly and waved at them courteously. Actually no, I think it was Will who was on the piece of wreckage. Okay you have no idea who that is, but hold your horses. Pretty soon it'll all become clear… or maybe just even more pointlessly complicated. The best kind of prize is a surprise so I won't ruin it for you. Anyway the boy on the piece of wreckage was Will. Half drowned and in desperate need of a rescue.

"I suppose I have to organise that?" Said Norrington.

Yes you do.

"Oh, very well. Man overboard! Man the ropes Fetch a Hook! Haul him aboard… and somebody get me a cup of coffee!"

Lieutenant Norrington's orders were quickly carried out as the boy was taken up onto the ship, and Mister Gibbs still being chased ragged by the big snake which had now magically turned into a crocodile desperately tried to fetch the lieutenant his beverage.

"Mary, mother of god!"

BANG! Suddenly there was another explosion and everyone turned around to see another ship on fire, destined soon to be at the bottom of the ocean floor.

"What the bloody hell was that about?" Asked Governor Swann.

"It's most like the porno magazines," Norrington told him. "Merchant vessels run heavily armed. Pfft disgusting perverts!"

"A lot of good it did them. Everyone's thinking it. I'm just saying it. Pirates." Said Mister Gibbs, but once more nobody was listening to him.

"It was probably an accident," said Governor Swann, but nobody was listening to him either so Norrington decided to speak up. "Arouse the Captain immediately. Heave ho and have sex with a whale. We'll have lunch in the boats."

"Heave ho!" cried a sailor with a great big stupid grin on his face just waiting to be slapped.

More seriously now Governor Swann bent down on one knee and spoke softly to his daughter "Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. He'll be in your charge. Take care of him."

Her nose crinkling again Elizabeth smiled and walked over to the young Will, who shot out and grabbed her wrist the moment she came near. "It's okay Will, my name's Elizabeth Swann."

"How do you know my name?" Will queried.

"The idiot writing this rubbish wrote it about a page ago, plus I've seen the movie which by the way is so great. Okay that bit where Jack burns the donkey with a poker upset me at first, but then Dica told me just to watch it so I…"

Will smiled at his new friend with a feeling he had never felt before. "Do you normally talk such mundane gibberish Elizabeth, or am I just lucky?"

"A little from column A, and a little from column B…" Looking at Will Elizabeth stopped fooling around, realizing whatever accident had brought him here had been more than she had realized and more than he could handle. Leaning forward she hugged him and whispered "I'm watching over you, Will."

Will smiled at her again, and then fainted. For a moment Elizabeth just looked at him, and then she noticed something…. Will was wearing a seaside heart of the ocean necklace from Kerblassie. "You're a pirate!" She said in astonishment, and quickly hid the treasure from the approaching Lieutenant Norrington.

"What do you know about him?" Norrington asked.

"I know his name is William Turner." Said Elizabeth.

"Is that all he told you?" Norrington pursued.

"Yes, but I think he was thinking something else." Elizabeth said softly looking up at the lieutenant.

"What?" Norrington asked, almost shocked to hear there would be more.

"I think he enjoyed Pirates Of The Carribean." Elizabeth smiled, walking away as behind her the others were busy preparing to take poor Will down below to better comforts for some much needed rest. Now on her own towards one side of the ship, Elizabeth looked down at Will's necklace again this time to have a better look. Suddenly she was feeling quite tired and nothing seemed to be making much sense any more. Looking up she thought she saw a flag of the Union Jack, the national emblem of Britain.

She looked down at the necklace again, her thoughts growing more and more intense. Now when she looked up again she thought she saw another flag, a black flag with a white skull and crossbones. The flag of those who were known as the thieves of the seven seas. Elizabeth thought about Will, and she thought about pirates, as she closed her eyes and everything dissolved to darkness.


	2. A Sexyful Dress And A Clumsy Sword

It was a dream. Elizabeth awoke from the dream as most people awaken from dreams, by destroying her ringing alarm clock with a shotgun and burying herself under her duvet trying desperately to get back to sleep. While at the same time she could not help thinking about the dream, which wasn't really a dream at all. It was a crappy piece of fan fiction written by some idiot in an internet café. Elizabeth of course, didn't know this, she thought she was real and that this was one of her precious memories. Something that had happened a long time ago, when she was just a girl. The day upon which she had met Will.

Climbing out of bed she moved across the room to her bureau drawer where she delicately removed the Kerblassie necklace from its hiding place, and put it on, staring at herself with a strange sort of expression in the mirror. She winked at her reflection, made her best attempt at several pirates phrases, and smiled a sinister grin like she might wear if she were a pirate. Then she got bored with that silly game, pulled out a carton of smokes from another hiding place, lit her ciggy with a skull and crossbones lighter and continued to watch herself smoke.

Suddenly there came a great knock on the door.

"Elizabeth, are you alight? Are you decent?" It was the voice of Governor Swann.

Elizabeth started stomping loudly on the cigarette butt she dropped to the floor, successfully managing to extinguish it and arouse her father's suspicions from the adjacent room.

"Elizabeth, are you alright?"

"Yes, yes!" Elizabeth said briskly, flinging on the first piece of clothing she could find and absent-mindedly hiding the Kerblassie necklace in one of the pockets just before opening the door.

"Gracious girl, still in bed at this hour? Don't tell me you've been up all night watching those ridiculous Johnny Depp films again. You know how upset that makes me."

"Okay I won't say," Elizabeth said as her father crossed the room and drew the curtains open with a great gust, as bright morning sunlight poured into the room.

"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" Elizabeth reacted, throwing her arms in front of her face and falling to the ground, like a vampire dangerously exposed to the light. "It burns! It burns! It burns!"

"Oh for goodness sake Elizabeth," the Governor scolded her. "Must we really go through this every day of the friggin' week? You really are quite a pest. Now get up and come and see the gift I've brought you."

"Oooooh, a gift!" Elizabeth said excitedly, dropping out of her immature act, and climbing to her feet. Curiosity always got the better of her, no matter how busy she was acting like a complete and utter nutcase.

"Oh it's so prettyful!" Elizabeth gushed, as her father held up the gift he had brought… the most disgusting and revolting dress you can ever imagine. You know the kind of crap Posh Spice or Kate Moss might be seen to wear?

"Isn't it just?" Said Governor Swann.

"May I inquire to the occasion?"

"Does a father need an occasion to dote upon his daughter? Actually, I had hoped you might wear it for the ceremony today."

"The ceremony?" Elizabeth said with no idea what her old man was talking about.

"Captain Norrington's promotion ceremony." Said the Governor.

"Oh right, that! I'm not even sure if I'll be able to make it to the ceremony." Elizabeth said averting her eyes now and becoming quite bored.

"What? You give me one good reason why not!" Governor Swann insisted.

"I promised Mazzie I'd meet her for lunchkins."

"Who? What? Why? When? When?" Isn't confusion a wonderful thing? It was the greatest gift Governor Swann ever got from his daughter, and the mystery refused to ever end.

"Oh never mind, if he's to become Commodore perhaps I can make a brief appearance," Elizabeth said grudgingly.

"And I should bloody well think so too!"

Elizabeth stuck out her tongue at her father, taking the dress from him and discarding it into a nearby rubbish bin. If she was going to have to look good for this shin-dig she'd bloody well see to it that she did it her own way. Crossing her room to the wardrobe, she found only one outfit.

"What the hell?"

Grudgingly she took out the corset and asked one of the maids to help her fit into it. The corset was kinky and totally dominatrix style, sexy without a doubt but it carried advantages with it too. This Norrington person was a complete and utter coward, terrified of his feelings or anything that inspired them. Maybe now he would have reason to have less appeal for her. For Elizabeth knew there had been times when this so called-gentleman had looked at her with a less than admirable smirk on his face, and she'd have thwacked him there and then if not for his reputation (and her own).

Fortunately Governor Swann did not see the outfit his daughter planned to wear, as one of the servants came up and called him away.

"Milord you have a visor," said the servant.

"A visor? You mean like in Star Trek: Next Generation?" Asked the Governor, mishearing the little man.

"No sir, like a guest. A caller. A visitor. An acquaintance. A comrade…"

"Thank you Commander Data," Governor Swann said sarcastically, and followed him out of the room and downstairs to where a man he knew stood waiting for him.

"Ah, Mister Turner, good to see you again.

"Good day, sir. I have your order," Said Will.

"Have you gone into the take-away business Will?" asked the Governor in surprise. "My order? Two double cheeseburgers, fries, and a large coke isn't it?"

"I'm sure I wouldn't know, sir," said Will. "That isn't what I meant and you know it."

"What did you mean then, Will?"

Will opens the case he is holding and takes out the sword inside, passing it to Governor Swann. Unsheathing it the Governor looks at Will still with an element of uncertainty. "Well…"

"The blade is folded steel. That's gold filigree laid into the handle. If I may…" taking the sword back Will balanced it perfectly. "Perfectly balanced. The tang is nearly the full width of the blade." Flipping the sword around in an attempt to gracefully present it to the Governor, but it dropped landing on the black and white chequered marble floor.

"Impressive. Very impressive," the Governor hissed sarcastically and unamused, bur rolling his eyes he found himself experiencing a change of heart (just like what happens in The Grinch but not nearly as dramatic) "Ah, now Commodore Norrington is going to be very pleased with this. Do pass my compliments on to the chef, hmm?"

"The chef, sir?" Asked Will.

"Yes," said Governor Swann "And kindly tell him that he is fired. He has taken far too long to bring me my dinner."

"Yes sir, of course sir…" said Will obligingly, starting to retreat when Elizabeth came in and started down the stairs. "Wow, Elizabeth you look amazing in that… black… leather… whatever it is."

"You look like a god forsaken dominatrix!" Governor Swann declared not at all impressed.

"My intention was to make an impression on Commodore Norrington," Elizabeth said slyly.

"Then mission accomplished" Swann said furious and turned to leave, slamming the door behind him.

"Maybe I should put on a sweatshirt," Elizabeth said and rolled her eyes. "But hey Will it's good to see you, I had a dream about you last night."

"Me?" Will asked.

"Yes. About the day we met, do you remember?"

"How could I forget Miss Swann?"

THWACK!

"Will how many times must I tell you not to call me that?"

"At least once more, Miss Swann, as always."

THWACK! This time Elizabeth smacked him harder, but not so hard that it really hurt or became more than just their usual game.

"There. See? At least the boy has a sense of humour," Elizabeth smiled at him sweetly. "Now I really must be going."

"Here you are then," Will said and passed her a parasol.

"Hmm you know what Will? I feel quite ridiculous in these clothes," Elizabeth said finally on her way out the door.

"I can imagine," Will agreed.

"Well take this umberella type thing back," Elizabeth said passing it back to him, and quickly making her way back up the stairs. "I have to go and get changed."

Alone now, Will smiled and let out a short but carefree laugh "Pah, women!" he said, and began absent-mindedly talking to a statue with boobs.


End file.
